Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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