there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
