I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
