I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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