I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize