Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
