ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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