turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize