i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
