You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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