Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
