My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
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