he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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