I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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