Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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