ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
