I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
