I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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