I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
