I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
