Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
