It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
