fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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