could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
