I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
