Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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