Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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