Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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