Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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