I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
