It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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