I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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