I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
