ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize