Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm sobbing to NWA
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
