hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
