this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
