I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
we should paint friendship bongs
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