theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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