Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
