Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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