you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
