Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
