ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
So vagazzling was a success
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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