It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
My life is pants optional.
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