I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
