My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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