dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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