he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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