I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
