Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
