I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
