I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
