I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
