i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
