Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
