I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
