I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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