Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I faked an abortion last night.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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