I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
