the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
