if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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