you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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