I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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