I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
