If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Pants are for mortals
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