also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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