I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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