if you like me you must not know who I am
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
