Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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