i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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