1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
