Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Oh god it's open bar.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
